The confusion loophole

I have been confused since the pandemic started and confusion, I establish is the worst state to be for people like me. You don’t know which direction you are heading and yet even when the things are in your realm of control, you just don’t gather the energy or motivation to do something. When you are confused you could stare at a wall for hours and look for answers to your questions. The dust that’s been collecting over your to-do list doesn’t bother you anymore and you can just disappear into thin air and find peace within yourself without the world, constantly reinforcing the things that you have to do. And it is pretty natural to be confused, it is a part of the process to find out more about yourself, to search for answers that matter and it is completely normal to be confused. Especially in this world where you can’t distinguish your own emotions, thoughts, feelings, dreams and goals as your own or someone else’s that you have been told to believe are yours. But for someone like me who has been confused for a long time, it doesn’t matter anymore. No matter how hard I try to search for those “answers” I never find them. Sometimes I question whether there are even answers to begin with and sometimes it feels as if confusion is an illusion that has been harbouring inside me all along and I have refused to accept it because of the fact that confusion doesn’t feel like an illusion. It feels more or less like a state that you are constantly switching from and to from. Even if it is something that my mind made up and no external factors are in play with this, I can’t help to let go of the feeling of getting lost. Sometimes, I find peace from staring at the wall for a long time, writing my thoughts down and untangling the mess that has been cooking up in my brain, listening to music and zoning out for a few minutes, closing my eyes under and sun and trying to listen to all of the sounds that are bouncing around me. But other times, being peaceful is also quite unsettling, where you don’t know for how long this peace will last and if this peace is the silence before the chaos or if it is just another illusion that my mind made up. Trying to tell me that I have been doing fine all along but every time I find myself in these peaceful moments a heavy sigh escapes my mouth making me doubt whether or not I am in peace. And this loophole doesn’t stop.